Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*&kers! The NBA is back, and Christmas in a post-’Nuclear Winter‘ Wonderland will be more action packed than John McClane’s holiday visit to Nakatomi Plaza.

Jesus’s birthday has always been basketball’s Thanksgiving, but this Sunday is primed to be the most compelling NBA television spectacle since the 2004 Team Edward/Team Jacob-esque Shaq and Kobe reunion (which featured the most unintentionally hilarious ABC intro ever).

With so many fascinating story lines emerging before this “It’s a marathon, not a sprint…no wait it’s actually more of a sprint” 66-game season, Sunday’s five-game Christmas jock-tease should give NBA junkies a Spud Webb-sized sample of what to look forward to in the new year.

Consider my season preview an early gift. I hope it puts your Turbo Man to shame.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Atlantic Division

5. Toronto

While Andrea Bargnani is suffering from Keith Van Horn Syndrome (being quietly underrated after entering the league blatantly overrated), the Raptors won’t win more than one-third of their games with him as their alpha dog. Coach Dwane Casey is likely Tebowing praying for high-flyer DeMar DeRozan to make the metaphorical “leap” in his third season. Don’t count on it.

4. New Jersey

The soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets (who I steadfastly believe should be re-branded as basketball’s Brooklyn Dodgers) currently have four players named “Williams” on their roster. Unfortunately, they have zero players named “Howard.” Deron Williams may be Jason Kidd 2.0 (with a MUCH better jumper), but the Nets will remain stuck in Basketball Purgatory until future Bond villain Mikhail Prokhorov can lure another superstar (with or without the threat of KGB-style torture). Orlando’s management would have to be drinking to trade Dwight for Brook Lopez and spare change. Gulp.

3. Philadelphia

Allen Iverson would’ve done anything (except practice, of course) to play with quality players like Andre Iguodala, Elton Brand, Thaddeus Young, and 2010-2011 revelation Jrue Holiday. Ironically, Iverson is exactly the kind of elite scorer this Sixers team is missing. While sophomore Evan Turner will improve, Philly is limited without a true closer. Still, they are unselfish and defensive-minded enough to return to the playoffs. I’m looking forward to seeing a lot of The Fresh Prince, who recently pulled a Jay-Z and became a minority owner of his hometown team (Willenium definitely rivals The Black Album).

2. Boston

I have nothing but respect (and intense hatred) for the original Big Three. Although the Celtics should retire Kevin McHale’s number again for handing them Kevin Garnett in 2007, this franchise made veteran superstar alliances cool (before they weren’t). KG may be aging faster than Robin Williams in Jack, but undervalued stud Rajon Rondo and the team’s collective experience will keep Boston in the hunt for home court advantage in the first round. Brandon Bass will make an impact, but Jeff Green’s young legs will be missed.

1. New York

Please don’t make me regret this.

Orange and Blue bias aside, New York undeniably has their best squad in over a decade (not exactly a bold assertion). The Scott Layden & Isiah Thomas shitstorm has finally passed, and my beloved Knickerbockers are ready to make Madison Square Garden rock again. Tyson Chandler will anchor the NBA’s best frontcourt (which I’ve cheesily dubbed “The Skyline”), and interim GM Glen Grunwald is aggressively building around Donnie Walsh’s strong foundation. IF the Knicks can stay healthy (or get healthy in Baron Davis’s case), they will be electrifying. Amar’e Stoudemire, like a dysentery-stricken traveler on “The Oregon Trail,” will need proper rest to make it through the journey.

Mike D’Antoni deserves the opportunity to coach a legitimate team in the Big Apple. He’ll make the most of his chance (while keeping Phil Jackson’s seat warm).

Central Division

5. Cleveland

Enough said already.

4. Detroit

Joe Dumars blew the offseason by overpaying Rodney Stuckey and Tayshaun Prince. He did the same thing in ’09, when he splurged on the 2004 UConn Huskies. I LOVE rookie PG Brandon Knight, but I’m not sure how he’ll respond to his post-John Calipari pay cut.

3. Milwaukee

Even though Brandon Jennings and Scott Skiles have the most awkward player/coach relationship since Stacy Patton and “Eddie,” the Bucks will remain competitive if Andrew Bogut can stay on the floor. Adding Stephen Jackson (who inexplicably avoided a Plaxico-like jail sentence in 2006) gives Milwaukee the conference’s most trigger-happy backcourt. Skiles, who once had 30 assists in a single game, may have to wait a month before his guards match this total. It’s unlikely we’ll be seeing those awesome “Fear the Deer” playoff rally towels this year. 

2. Indiana

I love what they’ve done with the place. Frank Vogel’s team is loaded with tough, underrated competitors and could become the 2010-2011 Memphis Grizzlies of the East. Expect big strides from sleepers Paul George and the Tebow-esque Tyler Hansbrough. Danny Granger, David West, and Roy Hibbert could give ‘Melo, Amar’e, and Chandler a run for James Dolan’s money. PG Darren Collison will continue to grow with this sneaky awesome bunch, but will anyone care now that the Hoosiers are good again?

1. Chicago

With the reigning MVP and Coach of the Year returning, the Bulls are a near-lock to earn one of the East’s top two playoff seeds. This team is young and balanced enough to handle the short schedule, and they’ll be eager to avenge last year’s loss to Miami. Veteran Rip Hamilton is a quality addition, but expect Taj Gibson to be an important X-factor once again. Fans must be thrilled about Derrick Rose’s new five-year extension. He’ll continue to amaze as Chicago’s top dog (sorry, Abe Froman).

Southeast Division

5. Charlotte

It’s easy to see why Bobcats owner Michael Jordan drafted Kemba Walker back in June (though we’re still trying to figure out why he selected Kwame Brown in 2001). The reigning Final Four Most Outstanding Player is fierce competitor who lives for big moments and constantly makes his teammates better. Sadly, Kemba may have left a more talented group of players behind when he departed UConn after his historic junior season. There’s only so much a rookie can do.

(I’m sure M.J. will find another team to bet on this year.)

4. Washington

John Wall will make hopeful Wizards fans (oxymoron alert!) forget they ever liked “Hibachi.” He’ll be an All-Star in his second season, but that won’t be enough if JaVale McGee is still his most reliable wingman. Not “amnestying” Rashard Lewis was the most questionable decision I’ve seen since, well, “The Decision.” And trust me, Ronny Turiaf is not the answer.

3. Atlanta

These Hawks remind me of Dennis Quaid’s movies. They have decent structure and quality performers but never amount to anything special (though I’ll always dig Frequency). Joe Johnson isn’t as bad as his contract, and the old school Josh Smith/Al Horford combination is enough to get this team ready for another first round elimination. Jeff Teague should have a breakout season, but these birds won’t be “Breaking Away” anytime soon.

2. Orlando

Dwight Howard should want out. If your two best teammates ever were Jameer Nelson and Hedo Turkoglu, you would too. Superman is tired of flying solo and he shouldn’t waste his prime like Kevin Garnett in Minnesota. Still, I’m not sure how this plays out. Orlando can’t possibly find equal value for Dwight (there’s zero chance they’ll help him follow in Shaq’s footsteps and leave Disney World for Disneyland), so look for them to aggressively seek more veterans who can try and persuade him to stay. How did that Gilbert Arenas/Vince Carter thing work out again?

1. Miami

I’m over “The Decision.” LeBron James may never be a hero, but he certainly isn’t a very good villain. After a year of saying all the wrong things, King James got what he deserved in the 2011 Finals. I’m just hoping he’ll be confidently humble this time around. He’s off to a good start.

Miami became vulnerable in June, but vulnerability will be their greatest weapon in ’11-’12. The target is off their back (or at least much smaller), and they will ironically be in better physical and mental condition at the end of this shortened regular season. Savvy vet Shane Battier may have more title-swinging ability than Albert Pujols, and a deepened rotation will do wonders for Coach Ponch (sorry, I sometimes mistake Erik Spoelstra for Erik Estrada).

The Bulls, Knicks, and (my dark horse) Pacers are the only Eastern Conference teams that can challenge Miami in a seven game series. This year, the Heat will rise.

JUST GETTING WARMED UP HERE: CLICK PAGE 2 BELOW FOR THE WESTERN CONFERENCE PREVIEW AND A LOOK AT THE NBA FINALS & AWARDS…