Dating Guys or Goldilocks? Misadventures in Love, Sex and Dating on Journey to Being Just Right I never thought I would be single with no children at 35. I was ready to marry my first boyfriend Mike when I was 15 and lost my virginity to him. As a Catholic, I convinced myself that as long as I married him, it was okay to have sex. That’s what we awkwardly tried to explain to my parents anyway. By 16, I changed my mind and set a new goal: I would be married and have my first child by the age of 24. By the time I turned 24 however, I was so busy trying to “retire” by age 30, I worked 80 hours a week helping to build a company, leaving little to no room for dating, though dating I tried. But after hearing a number of men in the commitment-shy Los Angeles, “You’re the kind of girl I should marry, but I’m not ready to head down that path,” I decided I would be an international business tycoon who took lovers, not husbands. That plan sounded far more glamorous than becoming an old maid by accident, or because I was, in my worst fears, actually “unlovable.” Deep down, I felt that if I declared I didn’t want to get married, it wouldn’t hurt as bad if no one ever picked me. But, I craved companionship like I crave chocolate when my monthly “friend” is about to visit, and that desire led me to compromise. And compromise led me to the decade of Goldilocks Guys: men trying to find their perfect bed. Markell was a rugged artist and the first man I learned how powerful pheromones really are, as I noticed his scent while at a party before I noticed his face. He said I wasn’t feminine enough, but then he also knew more about my monthly flow than even a male gyno would. Gabe, a brilliant, albeit self-centered actor, named me the “Good Republican,” despite all my assurances I was most definitely not Republican, a fact reiterated by my mother’s strategically placed copy of “How to Talk To A Democrat.” In the end, I wasn’t enough like his ex Allison, whom he admitted to using me to get over. Despite trying to convince myself the intellectual artist type made the best lovers, they didn’t. Chris and I took business meetings together, we brainstormed ideas and solutions, and over a short period of time, he did become my lover. I knew he didn’t want marriage and family. He was a former marine with arms tattooed up and down, and pierced nipples. He lived his life in a bubble of tech entrepreneurship and day trading, isolating himself in front of 3-4 computer screens every day with hardly any social life at all. We were perfect. He was smokin’ hot, both nerdy and dangerous. We could talk about anything pre- or post-coital. I cared for him, but I knew he would never be my boyfriend, even though I secretly wanted to take him to my charity events, dinner meetings or the movies. But, then Chris took a security job in Iraq. My resolve for choosing a life without a husband was quickly unraveling, and I started to feel desperate, though I would never admit that to anyone. On the periphery of my consciousness, I believed that if I could just be skinny enough, pretty enough, successful enough, fabulous enough and smart enough, I’d be lovable. I threw myself into perfectionism, signing up for every self-help workshop I could find and reading every book ever written to become enough. So, I started a new company. I bought my first house at my target goal of 30 years old and adopted two dogs. Deep down I still wanted a mate, but felt myself resigning to a life of “on my own.” Then I met Doug. He was almost ten years older than me, a public speaker and, seemingly a self-help junkie, like me. After a tumultuous eight months together, he moved in with his two cats. It was supposed to be a temporary situation since his Christian values told him we shouldn’t live together. But, then I got cancer and his Christian values wouldn’t let him leave me. We ended things after he told me we didn’t have a future together when I politely asked for his sperm to preserve my fertility before chemo started. Apparently, I wasn’t Christian enough for him. I met Steve and decided he was the one. He helped reawaken my sexuality post cancer treatment, even though I didn’t have nipples yet and felt about as sexy as a rock. But, like Doug, he drank more than I was comfortable with, so when I picked a fight over the phone, he broke up with me, saying I had too many expectations, and that was the end of that. I met Frank just before he was leaving to work in Patagonia, Chile for six months. We agreed I would write him in a journal every day and mail him the completed books every eight weeks or so. I loved the idea of falling in love with a man over letter writing. I wrote about my friend when she was diagnosed with a stage 4 recurrence of breast cancer. I wrote about the beautiful spider that took up residence on my front porch to lay her eggs. I wrote about my desire to move to Boulder, Colorado. I wrote about how I missed him. I don’t know if he ever even read the book. Apparently, I was too romantic. I did make that move to Boulder. I let go the idea of him and opened my heart to the idea that my mate was a down-to-earth, rugged man in Colorado without the feminine computer hands of so many men I dated in Los Angeles. I met Matteo when I answered his ad on Craigslist to purchase his humidifier. On our second date he informed me he was about to have a baby from a one-night stand and wasn’t looking for anything serious. Really?! I attended a fabulous conference on a cruise and met Mike the first night. We spent hours talking on the deck of the ship while our peers danced the night away on a deck just below. By our last night, we were discussing expectations upon returning home and I felt like I met my match. He was brilliant and successful, sexy but not pretty. He was athletic and competitive, a man’s man with a Catholic upbringing and a business partner who was his brother. Three weeks later when he was in Boulder to train for an ultra-marathon, he said he thought I was too successful to be in a supportive role to him and that he no longer wanted to pursue me. Ouch. The second Doug I met charmed me for two months after meeting me at a charity event. He called, text messaged, instant messaged, emailed me Pandora stations he made and stories about his life; we made plans for camping trips and even agreed to establish a dating fund with me so we could make a game out of saving money for a future trip to Barcelona together. He met me for dinner on a Sunday night before I took a business trip, told me he would miss me and couldn’t wait to see me again. By Friday, he changed his mind and stopped speaking to me. When he did get in communication two weeks later, he told me I was moving too fast. I hung up on him before teaching him what projection means. Double ouch. Mark and I met standing in the Southwest Airlines line in Sacramento. We bonded over his glass eye and my cancer story. I glanced at his left hand and noticed he wasn’t wearing a wedding band. Within five minutes on our first dinner date, he informed me his WIFE was dating women so he was also allowed to date women. Seriously?! I turned 35 while in Stockholm for a conference. I met a fabulous Israeli man I could never have unless I converted and moved to Tel Aviv. I freely admit I feel desperate for love and marriage, but not enough to move to Israel. I went from being not enough in my twenties to too much in my thirties -– too intense, too driven, too successful, too independent. Are these Guys or Goldilocks? Will I ever hear the words I’ve been longing to hear: “Alice, you are just right…Will you marry me?” It’s been 20 years since I told Mike I wanted to marry him. It’s my 20-year anniversary of the only proposal I’ve ever had. And I don’t even have a diamond to prove it. Alice Crisci is founder of Fertile Action, a non-profit that helps women become mothers after cancer. You can follow her tales of surviving cancer and taking action on Twitter @alicecrisci. PREVIOUSLY BY ALICE: –Survivor Sex: My First Time After a Double Mastectomy
Julie Darrington 01.08.11 @ 4:53 pm Oh, honey. So much of your story sounds like my own. What is it with the men who pursue what they think they want, and ignore the wonderful things that life hands them- people like US? I’ve only met you via cyberspace, and freely admit I may be jaded in thinking just how wonderful you are. That’s the trick with the internet. But what I see in you is a fabulous woman with so much to give. Help, happiness, love, compassion, and you deserve to get exactly that in return. I wish us both LOTS of luck, love, success, happiness, and may all the men who deemed us “not enough” or “too much” suffer from some serious heartburn.
zytrugie 02.08.11 @ 3:28 pm i think anyone (man or woman) who falls in love (or has sex) so fast with a lot of different type of people just simply are having fun and not at all as serious about marriage as they claim (or think they might be). unless i misread…10 men in about 5 years? how many men before that? how many partners did those playboys have? remember: you sleep with everyone that your partner has slept with and you also get tied up in emotions they had with other people so your lifestyle was (is?) one of fun like jumping out of a plane or joining a metal band at age 40 is fun. you couldn’t possibly look back and think of it as any other way now that you have wisdom. to me, anyone who is out there heading to bed with multiple partners year after year has a reckless or thrill seeking personality. it’s not just recklessly sexually, it’s reckless emotions creating a wild roller coaster ride. the reason you’re not married is because you simply don’t pick men who’d want marriage…and you don’t want marriage either. it really is that simple. (i’m never married, no kids, btw). yet it’s convenient for you to blame the guys for being commitment losers so it’s their fault the relationship didn’t work out. you’re dating all the vagrant types…the dorks that a lot of men go “how does that dweeb become so sexy in the eyes of women…how come those women fall for that nonsense so easily?”. the qualities you mentioned in these men are more related to sexual things (looks, muscles, tats, “artist”/creative, blah blah blah). i guarantee you if you could post pictures or videos of those guys in their natural state, very few of us would see them as sexy/intriguing as you did. we’d likely go “huh?” next week you could be in a relationship with a man who can’t wait to marry you. but you likely won’t pick that man. that man won’t be a made up (by you) thrilling/creative/hot/exciting for you based on your history of picking men. i’m never married/no kids male and it bothers me a little bit but it also doesn’t. i know deep down inside the reason i’m not married is because i never seriously pursued it with a woman who truly was serious about marriage like my mother, or even my young church going niece is. if i wanted to get married i could go down to local church functions (or other non-drinking or “meet up” function) or ask an older relative to set me up with traditional marriage minded woman. where a woman who is very serious about marriage is waiting to meet another “serious about marriage”. church is an institution and so is marriage. both are crazy lol but they do have thousands (in some ways, millions) of years of evolution/tradition that made it possible to come up with at least one verifiable marriage process. a lot of modern people are just winging their own wild ideas that don’t amount to anything but not traditions or true culture. marriage and children are not about anything but giving up most or large chunk of your life to go out and make money, make food, clean dirt/vomit/poop/mess, organize/schedule, discipline, teach, discipline, befriend, discipline, heal, discipline, vacation, discipline. anyone who wants to be a serious parent understands this (the ones that don’t are the ones who aren’t happy with their marriage/kids/white fence). “boring” things that aren’t fun, glamourous, cool, etc., in the eyes of people like you so it wouldn’t make sense that you’d want anything to do with them (much like i don’t but could now that i’m much older) . my oldest brother acted like he was 40 when he was 20. he took to “dad” and husband like it was his destiny. he had his hands fulll with 4 sons born in 7 years but he was just made for it. his wife too. they dated at 16 and never looked back. all his kids graduated from college and have nice lives and starting new families. only one of them stumbled with drugs but now he’s turned a corner thanks to his father’s “boring” reliability and endless personal sacrifices for the good of the kid. finally, i work in a job where i often go to wealthy clients’ homes. the ones that think they have it all “great job, spouse, kids” actually have messed up kids or spouses because their main priority is their own success and family is second. i have to work their sometimes weeks months and almost always one mouth spills the beans…if not both of them on separate occasions. they have maids, cleaners, cooks, and the best of everything yet just don’t at all involve themselves in the trenches of life that kids need their parents to do. a handful do have it all with kids that are doing great. but most of huge kids or spouse problems. i’m someone who loves children but quite awhile ago realized i just can’t do the trenches the proper way so i chose not to have kids…yet since we could still selfishly have kids in our old age! lol
zytrugie 02.08.11 @ 3:28 pm i think anyone (man or woman) who falls in love (or has sex) so fast with a lot of different type of people just simply are having fun and not at all as serious about marriage as they claim (or think they might be). unless i misread…10 men in about 5 years? how many men before that? how many partners did those playboys have? remember: you sleep with everyone that your partner has slept with and you also get tied up in emotions they had with other people so your lifestyle was (is?) one of fun like jumping out of a plane or joining a metal band at age 40 is fun. you couldn’t possibly look back and think of it as any other way now that you have wisdom. to me, anyone who is out there heading to bed with multiple partners year after year has a reckless or thrill seeking personality. it’s not just recklessly sexually, it’s reckless emotions creating a wild roller coaster ride. the reason you’re not married is because you simply don’t pick men who’d want marriage…and you don’t want marriage either. it really is that simple. (i’m never married, no kids, btw). yet it’s convenient for you to blame the guys for being commitment losers so it’s their fault the relationship didn’t work out. you’re dating all the vagrant types…the dorks that a lot of men go “how does that dweeb become so sexy in the eyes of women…how come those women fall for that nonsense so easily?”. the qualities you mentioned in these men are more related to sexual things (looks, muscles, tats, “artist”/creative, blah blah blah). i guarantee you if you could post pictures or videos of those guys in their natural state, very few of us would see them as sexy/intriguing as you did. we’d likely go “huh?” next week you could be in a relationship with a man who can’t wait to marry you. but you likely won’t pick that man. that man won’t be a made up (by you) thrilling/creative/hot/exciting for you based on your history of picking men. i’m never married/no kids male and it bothers me a little bit but it also doesn’t. i know deep down inside the reason i’m not married is because i never seriously pursued it with a woman who truly was serious about marriage like my mother, or even my young church going niece is. if i wanted to get married i could go down to local church functions (or other non-drinking or “meet up” function) or ask an older relative to set me up with traditional marriage minded woman. where a woman who is very serious about marriage is waiting to meet another “serious about marriage”. church is an institution and so is marriage. both are crazy lol but they do have thousands (in some ways, millions) of years of evolution/tradition that made it possible to come up with at least one verifiable marriage process. a lot of modern people are just winging their own wild ideas that don’t amount to anything but not traditions or true culture. marriage and children are not about anything but giving up most or large chunk of your life to go out and make money, make food, clean dirt/vomit/poop/mess, organize/schedule, discipline, teach, discipline, befriend, discipline, heal, discipline, vacation, discipline. anyone who wants to be a serious parent understands this (the ones that don’t are the ones who aren’t happy with their marriage/kids/white fence). “boring” things that aren’t fun, glamourous, cool, etc., in the eyes of people like you so it wouldn’t make sense that you’d want anything to do with them (much like i don’t but could now that i’m much older) . my oldest brother acted like he was 40 when he was 20. he took to “dad” and husband like it was his destiny. he had his hands fulll with 4 sons born in 7 years but he was just made for it. his wife too. they dated at 16 and never looked back. all his kids graduated from college and have nice lives and starting new families. only one of them stumbled with drugs but now he’s turned a corner thanks to his father’s “boring” reliability and endless personal sacrifices for the good of the kid. finally, i work in a job where i often go to wealthy clients’ homes. the ones that think they have it all “great job, spouse, kids” actually have messed up kids or spouses because their main priority is their own success and family is second. i have to work their sometimes weeks months and almost always one mouth spills the beans…if not both of them on separate occasions. they have maids, cleaners, cooks, and the best of everything yet just don’t at all involve themselves in the trenches of life that kids need their parents to do. a handful do have it all with kids that are doing great. but most of huge kids or spouse problems. i’m someone who loves children but quite awhile ago realized i just can’t do the trenches the proper way so i chose not to have kids…yet since we could still selfishly have kids in our old age! lol
Alice 02.08.11 @ 7:37 pm Wow ive never had someone write a column in response to one of my columns. Im grateful you read it, though You make a lot of incorrect assumptions. First of all i did not have sex with all these men. If that was the point i was making, i wouldve written more details and submitted to Hustler. Second of all, i did not have sex with any of them quickly!! Thanks for the free psychoanalysis though …
nocountrymusicplease 02.08.11 @ 8:43 pm Zytrugie, I think that you are making a lot of assumptions about Alice and really judging her morals. I think that you’re missing the fact that she isn’t looking to find someone in search of happiness. She is already happy with her life. She is looking for someone to share her life with- companionship, a partner. Someone who accepts her for who she is- a strong, beautiful, independent woman. I don’t think that she is blaming any of these men. I think she is commenting on how difficult it is to find “the one”- whatever that looks like for someone- husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend best friend, partner, etc…. she is commenting on and discussing her dating history, not blaming the men. It’s a commentary on her journey. And, in the spirit of full and fair disclosure, I have to say that Alice is a very close and dear friend of mine, so I have more knowledge of who she is and her life than an article.