Breaking Grad: An Early Commencement Address for Class of 2011
Greetings, all of you soon-to-be graduates from the Class of 2011!
After a final spring semester filled with self-loathing and panic-induced binge drinking, your minds (and livers) will finally be ready to take the next step. The real world will be dialing your BlackBerry numbers, and it’s almost time for you to stop screening the calls.
You are close to the end of the collegiate “pre-game,” and it’s almost time to party. Like a weekend Keystone Light Power Hour, college is essential for making that transition to your next destination less awkward. You’ll soon be tipsy enough to flirt with professionals, and who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and go home with an attractive job.
Many of you will spend your last semester debating bongs or blunts, but post-graduation choices will be far cloudier. Academia sure has its loopholes, but very few of you can B.S. your way to success outside the classroom. Enjoy manipulating professors while you still can, as you will soon experience a different type of schooling.
Get your collegiate sins out of the way now, because here, the guilt trip usually ends when the next bar night or fraternity party begins. As a responsibility-laden adult, excess and poor judgment can lead to hangovers that will last a lifetime.
This spring, treasure time with all of your best Facebook friends. Reminiscing is healthy, but don’t be afraid to also try new things. Explore your campus, perform community service, and do both at the same time by tossing a frisbee around with those weird hippies in the quad. After all, you’ve shared this special place together. In a few months, you’ll be be moving on together too.
After graduation, new and exciting opportunities will present themselves. You’ll soon have the keys to Cameron’s dad’s beloved Ferrari, so be a Bueller and take her for a joyride. With college in the rear-view mirror, you won’t truly experience your days on if you stay home in bed.
It’s a jungle out there, so conquer it like Tarzan. Grab life by the branches and go for a swing. Just be aware of the tree-like obstacles in your path.
My favorite commencement quote is by Ed Koch. The former New York City Mayor (and The People’s Court judge) once asserted, “Each diploma is a lighted match. Each one of you is a fuse.” Heed these wise words, but remember that fireworks can be as dangerous as they are beautiful. Be extra careful and try to light up the sky without losing any limbs.
Education is an invaluable gift that unwraps itself throughout the course of a lifetime. I hope you all appreciate your parents’ hard work, generosity, and bank accounts as much as they appreciated having you away the last four years. One day, you too will have the opportunity to pass this gift on to your children and their hopefully Snooki-free generation. I know that’s certainly a lot to think about, but I assure you the world will carry on without spray-tanned, Seaside Heights creatures.
A corrupt, polluted, and brutally hilarious world will soon be in your hands. It’s up to our youngest and brightest minds to make it suck less. Embrace your responsibilities as active citizens in our nation’s dwindling democracy. Vote, pay your taxes, and Tweet at your congressman. Make a difference by not being indifferent.
In closure, oh beautiful Class of 2011, get the most out of this final semester. It’s truly the last time you’ll be able to experience life before life. Congratulations!
- http://Website Mitch Simon
