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Dear Naheedonism: “Is My Husband Stupid or Gay?”

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By Naheed on October 26, 2010


Even though our readership is comprised of suave talkers, smooth lovers and sex machines, we thought you might need some hot-lovin’ advice from the best. Welcome to Naheedonism.

Dear Naheed,
I have an enormous sexual appetite and love variety. My husband of 7 years and I have gone through many scenarios in our sexual relationship and we’ve had lots of fun. There isn’t anything we haven’t done together. One of my favorites was the time he put on a gas mask and some pink ruffled panties and…ah, the axe, that was fun. All aspects of our sex life have been explored and I’m left with a man who only cums when I twist his nipples. He was using nipple clamps on his pierced nipples, which made him masturbate more often and need me less. He has since taken them out because he admitted to often choosing the clamps over me.

The only other thing that seems to turn him on is showing me his muscles while I get fucked missionary style and hearing the repeated words “Take it, take it” &“Good girl, good girl.” This usually takes about 10-15 minutes.

He can get satisfied in minutes via quickies, usually during the day, before the kids come home from school or he gets me right before I hop in the shower, usually to just cum on my face or tits. I like quickies too, but I need more. When we go to bed, he falls asleep in .06 seconds and I’m left awake – masturbating, sometimes for hours every night. I’m kind of tired of it and not sure if the problem is a timing thing?

He knows exactly what I like and what turns me on. Is he just stupid? Lazy? Bored? Gay? How can he be bored with a lady like me?
–Rubbed Raw

Dear Rubbed Raw,
You are both kind of stupid. You and your husband seem to have completely forgotten anything that is real about intimacy, relying primarily on the addition of props when you’re fucking or allowing him to run the cum show.

I can only imagine that after being married for seven years and trying to keep your juices flowing, you’ve explored all kinds of unbelievable options to reach orgasms. But you’re lacking depth in your sex life. Don’t just let him fuck you for the sake of patting himself on his muscular back. He’ll continue using sex as a performance platform, leaving you the dissatisfied patron, wanting a refund on the Selfish Husband Show.

Honestly, he doesn’t seem to be bored at all considering he has found a number of imaginative ways to blow his load while you are left to finger fuck yourself night after night. Gay? Doubt it. Lazy? Doesn’t sound like it. But you’re totally condoning his behavior, giving in to what he wants and letting him take charge in sexual situations, even if you aren’t into them. You can’t blame him for that. Just remember basic economics and make your pussy about supply and demand.

10 to 15 minutes is a good amount of time for any sex position, but you should stop watching the clock and start being a bit more creative yourself. If you are just lying there like a ‘good little girl’, start being a bad little girl and tell daddy just how you want to be fucked. Look, when you’re in the midst of boning, relying on his mentally programmed checklist of what turns you on isn’t enough. Communication is of utmost importance! Even though you claim he knows what you’re into, he probably thinks you’ve been enjoying the sex if you aren’t saying what you’re NOT into.

You might be the one that wears the pants in your household, maybe you make more money than him or are always nagging him? Therefore, to feel like he still has balls, he uses the sexual arena to be the boss and call the shots. This may not be the case at all, but to be fair, I‘m just exploring other scenarios.

But if I am right, at least make him work a bit for your affection. Yes, it’s your husband, I’m aware, but you are still treating each other like horny teenagers. Sex can be so much fun if you provoke a man with a little dick teasing before you let him fuck you. It’s the little things, you know. Maybe take the tip of his cock and graze it around the edge of your mouth and spit on it before blowing him. Let him feel how wet you are, but don’t let him put his dick inside you until you want it there. If you enjoy getting your pussy eaten, just push his face into your pink taco and have him eat you out for a while…THEN he can jerk off on your tits. It’s all about compromise. If he enjoys a bit of twist-o-the nipple, mount that cowboy and ride him nice and slow (or hard, whatever you prefer) while twisting his nipple with one finger and stimulating your clit with your other hand. That way, you can both cum together. From what you’ve told me, you’ve gotten pretty good at touching yourself, so you definitely should able to tell him where your cum buttons are. If props are still necessary, add a lasso and cattle prod.

Oh, and don’t give in so easily by letting him skeet on your face and tits whenever the fuck he wants. Once in a while, sure, but you’re essentially becoming your husband’s jizz rag.

You have to ask for what you want. But be cool about it and do it tactfully. When you’re having sex, put on the little girl voice and tell him what it is you want. Men cannot read minds. If he doesn’t listen or doesn’t even try to get you to cum, he is an asshole and the next time you’re going to bed, wait .06 seconds and make use of the cattle prod to wake the prick’s ass up.

-N

Got a sex or relationship question for Naheed? Email her at naheed@hypervocal4.wpengine.com.

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