Dear Naheedonism–

If a dude’s girlfriend talks him into putting something up his butt, and after a while he starts to like it, is that normal?

Dear Uranus,

This is totally normal. I know many couples who like to experiment with various anal stimulants. Some men (and women) really like their assholes fingered, prodded, rammed, or tickled, while others can’t stand anything near their black hole.

I had one past lover who particularly liked me to put a sparkly dildo up his ass, although he swore it had nothing to do with his glam rock obsession. He says it was just about stimulating the prostate…even though occasionally, we’d end up listening to Personality Crisis by the New York Dolls while performing the ritual and he would insist I call him Ziggy and he would call me DJ while smearing the eyeliner drawn star on his cheekbone…as if to imitate tears falling.

This past Thanksgiving, I really got into the holiday spirit and put a turkey baster up my lover’s ass with a bit of warm water. It was really exciting until we realized (much too late) what we basically had given him was an enema. Sometimes we get too carried away. Let’s just say holiday clean up wasn’t only about washing a bunch of dirty dishes.

Happy New Year!
Naheed

Got a sex or relationship question for our resident advice columnist? E-mail her at naheed@hypervocal.com. You’ll be glad you did. Or maybe you won’t.

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Dear Naheedonism,

I’m a single gal in my 30s and sexually frustrated. I’ve recently become single and have been a bit out of the dating scene. When I am in a relationship, I am open to adventure and have an anything goes attitude. I feel like I’ve been thrown off the saddle. How do I get back on the “horse”? Please help!

Howdy Cowgirl-–

Saddles can definitely be a proverbial pain in the arse and definitely don’t feel as good as bareback, but sometimes it is necessary to put one on if your “horse” is unpredictable. I suggest first, you find a really laid-back “horse” that is easily predictable and spend some time riding it with a saddle, you know, really get to know your “horse.”  Eventually when you are comfortable, try riding it bareback. You can start with a “bridle” for at least a little control. Then you must find a way to really get up on it. Make sure the “horse” is not wet or oily from grooming products or you will slide right off. I almost did that right after mounting a big black stallion once. It could’ve led to some serious injury.

Make sure to grip the “horse’s” mane firmly and swing your leg over. Be careful to not get too much momentum or you can go right over and land on the other side of your “horse.” This can really kill the moment. A mounting block of some sort is also helpful in some cases. I’ve been able to mount several “horses” with a boost or just from the ground. The other day, I used a 6-strand barb wire fence to mount a “thoroughbred” which was no less than interesting, let me tell you! One time I even mounted a “horse” backwards (I was feeling pretty adventurous myself) and rode it until my derriere was sore.

Remember, grip your “horse” with your thighs, not your calves. Try to really sink your weight into your pelvic bone for stability and to remain centered and relaxed. Riding bareback is all about moving and feeling the “horse.” It is very similar to English riding, but without the funny accent.

When you’re comfortable riding your ”horse” in the arena, the possibilities are endless. Jumping, galloping, saying giddy up and some dressage movements among other things are just a few options. Riding bareback is fun and one of the most exhilarating experiences a rider can accomplish but is among the most dangerous techniques in riding if you’re not familiar with your “horse” or you’re not planning on having a “colt” or “foal,” so be CAREFUL, practice your rhythm method and make sure your “horse” is healthy and has been tested for STDs.

Dear Naheedonism–

I have a couple of questions. Is it true that women are more attracted to married guys than single guys? I’m 36 and married and not shy so I strike up a lot of conversations, but I can never tell if a woman is hitting on me or just being nice.

My other question is…if a guy isn’t married but has a smoking HOT girlfriend, are women more drawn to that man?

- J

Dear J,

I want to give you the best possible advice, therefore, I am referring you to someone that is really qualified. His name is Steve Jackson and he has the answers to what I believe you’re really asking for.

Tell him I sent you. His website is: http://leavewife.com/

-N

Got a sex or relationship question for our resident advice columnist? E-mail her at naheed@hypervocal.com. You’ll be glad you did. Or maybe you won’t.

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Dear Naheedonism,

I’m a 23-year-old male, 78% heterosexual. Recently, my love interest of the past year ended our relationship, stating unequivocally that I wasn’t ready to start a family. I think the accusation is absurd. I know very matter-of-factly that I have started many families in distant countries.

But I digress. I’m writing because after she ended our relationship, I met a fine lady at a strip club. I know that usually this sort of woman isn’t full of real affection, but she let me put my tongue in her veggie-bacon vagina within minutes of tipping her; the love connection was real. I’m a bit confused because she says she’s 25 and still a virgin. I know better –- she looks at least 28. Can you please give me some advice?

Dear 22% Homosexual,

I bet the hardest part about crying and masturbating at the same time is deciding whether to wipe away your tears or cum first.

Shame on your for assuming a stripper is incapable of real affection. I’m sure this fine young lady with a three-year age discrepancy is very capable of loving and being affectionate, especially towards her child –- you know, the one she is supporting with those same bills you tipped her with.

It might make you feel better knowing you aren’t alone in thinking the TLC you shell out bills for is somehow real. I’m sure she makes most of her clients feel that way.

If you want to continue enjoying the pricey vegetarian buffet in the lap dance room, you should probably just keep your delusions of having any sort of love connection with her to yourself.

Oh, and her real name isn’t Cinnamon by the way, so maybe take that as a clue on figuring out whether she lied about her age and cherry status.
-N

Dear Naheed,

I liked your article about getting more “dick,” but I really do not want to have sex with the handyman. One, he has already hit on me, and two, I think he could probably find a more substantive partner than myself. Three, I’m just not sexually attracted to him.

I am so curious as to what I should do. I keep flirting with this hot guy in my apartment. He is not a cat. He has really long legs and they’re tan. I basically asked if I could come over and give him a blowjob, but I think the fact that he has a girlfriend gets in the way.

He likes to flirt with me and I like his body. I especially like his hands and I think he would be exceptional in bed. I even got a Chinese menu today and dreamt about him coming over so we could order Chinese food and be intimate.

I guess I struck out, but I really thought the signs were there. I guess I am just impatient.

He’s really beautiful though, and I’d probably do anything in bed with him.
- Gretchen

Gretchen,

He has really long legs, they’re tan and he is not a cat? Are we playing trivia here? Okay, I think I got it. A camel? You’re right. Camels are great lovers and they love Chinese food. But if this particular one is nomadic, don’t say I didn’t warn you if he skips town after you break open your Fortune Cookies.

Since we are actually talking about a human in your building, I wouldn’t read so much into his flirting. He probably just enjoys your desperate attempts at getting his attention, so be aware his harmless flirtation doesn’t necessarily equate a love match. If you have already boldly suggested blowing him and he has declined the offer, take that as a hint and save yourself the future rejection.

All you are doing now is boosting his ego and setting yourself up for disappointment. If you enjoy fantasizing and flirting with this guy, just don’t have any expectations that it will lead to pillow talk. The guy has a girlfriend – it could get awkward if you continue your attempts of slutting yourself out to him. Probably best to let this one go.
-N

Got a sex or relationship question for our resident advice columnist? E-mail her at naheed@hypervocal.com. You’ll be glad you did. Or maybe you won’t.

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Dear Naheed,
I have an enormous sexual appetite and love variety. My husband of 7 years and I have gone through many scenarios in our sexual relationship and we’ve had lots of fun. There isn’t anything we haven’t done together. One of my favorites was the time he put on a gas mask and some pink ruffled panties and…ah, the axe, that was fun. All aspects of our sex life have been explored and I’m left with a man who only cums when I twist his nipples. He was using nipple clamps on his pierced nipples, which made him masturbate more often and need me less. He has since taken them out because he admitted to often choosing the clamps over me.

The only other thing that seems to turn him on is showing me his muscles while I get fucked missionary style and hearing the repeated words “Take it, take it” &“Good girl, good girl.” This usually takes about 10-15 minutes.

He can get satisfied in minutes via quickies, usually during the day, before the kids come home from school or he gets me right before I hop in the shower, usually to just cum on my face or tits. I like quickies too, but I need more. When we go to bed, he falls asleep in .06 seconds and I’m left awake – masturbating, sometimes for hours every night. I’m kind of tired of it and not sure if the problem is a timing thing?

He knows exactly what I like and what turns me on. Is he just stupid? Lazy? Bored? Gay? How can he be bored with a lady like me?
–Rubbed Raw

Dear Rubbed Raw,
You are both kind of stupid. You and your husband seem to have completely forgotten anything that is real about intimacy, relying primarily on the addition of props when you’re fucking or allowing him to run the cum show.

I can only imagine that after being married for seven years and trying to keep your juices flowing, you’ve explored all kinds of unbelievable options to reach orgasms. But you’re lacking depth in your sex life. Don’t just let him fuck you for the sake of patting himself on his muscular back. He’ll continue using sex as a performance platform, leaving you the dissatisfied patron, wanting a refund on the Selfish Husband Show.

Honestly, he doesn’t seem to be bored at all considering he has found a number of imaginative ways to blow his load while you are left to finger fuck yourself night after night. Gay? Doubt it. Lazy? Doesn’t sound like it. But you’re totally condoning his behavior, giving in to what he wants and letting him take charge in sexual situations, even if you aren’t into them. You can’t blame him for that. Just remember basic economics and make your pussy about supply and demand.

10 to 15 minutes is a good amount of time for any sex position, but you should stop watching the clock and start being a bit more creative yourself. If you are just lying there like a ‘good little girl’, start being a bad little girl and tell daddy just how you want to be fucked. Look, when you’re in the midst of boning, relying on his mentally programmed checklist of what turns you on isn’t enough. Communication is of utmost importance! Even though you claim he knows what you’re into, he probably thinks you’ve been enjoying the sex if you aren’t saying what you’re NOT into.

You might be the one that wears the pants in your household, maybe you make more money than him or are always nagging him? Therefore, to feel like he still has balls, he uses the sexual arena to be the boss and call the shots. This may not be the case at all, but to be fair, I‘m just exploring other scenarios.

But if I am right, at least make him work a bit for your affection. Yes, it’s your husband, I’m aware, but you are still treating each other like horny teenagers. Sex can be so much fun if you provoke a man with a little dick teasing before you let him fuck you. It’s the little things, you know. Maybe take the tip of his cock and graze it around the edge of your mouth and spit on it before blowing him. Let him feel how wet you are, but don’t let him put his dick inside you until you want it there. If you enjoy getting your pussy eaten, just push his face into your pink taco and have him eat you out for a while…THEN he can jerk off on your tits. It’s all about compromise. If he enjoys a bit of twist-o-the nipple, mount that cowboy and ride him nice and slow (or hard, whatever you prefer) while twisting his nipple with one finger and stimulating your clit with your other hand. That way, you can both cum together. From what you’ve told me, you’ve gotten pretty good at touching yourself, so you definitely should able to tell him where your cum buttons are. If props are still necessary, add a lasso and cattle prod.

Oh, and don’t give in so easily by letting him skeet on your face and tits whenever the fuck he wants. Once in a while, sure, but you’re essentially becoming your husband’s jizz rag.

You have to ask for what you want. But be cool about it and do it tactfully. When you’re having sex, put on the little girl voice and tell him what it is you want. Men cannot read minds. If he doesn’t listen or doesn’t even try to get you to cum, he is an asshole and the next time you’re going to bed, wait .06 seconds and make use of the cattle prod to wake the prick’s ass up.

-N

Got a sex or relationship question for Naheed? Email her at naheed@hypervocal.com.

The post Dear Naheedonism: “Is My Husband Stupid or Gay?” appeared first on HyperVocal.

I had to get out of my long-term relationship. Once fueled by genuine love and passion, as time went on, insecurity, boredom, being right, jealousy, resentment, sadness, anger, co-dependence, dissatisfaction and mood disorders (most likely caused by temporary coping mechanisms known as booze and drugs) started becoming the main themes of my often volatile and completely insane situation.

I’m not saying it was one person’s fault at all. To quote Woody Allen in Manhattan, I think we were both “spending an enormous amount of real affection on the wrong person.”

Feeling guilty because I was often thinking about having monkey sex with other people (i.e. getting slammed up against a wall and having my panties yanked off by a sexy mountain man with a 5 o’clock shadow and strong hands…you know, the kind of guy that looks like he can chop wood?), I contemplated ways of getting out of my relationship without having to actually have a discussion. I obviously was delusional when I started thinking to myself, “God, I wish he would just cheat on me with a prostitute, just like they do in the tabloids.” Pretty low, I know.

I just wanted the easy way out, but we all know, there really isn’t anything easy about dumping someone or getting dumped, unless you’re just a cold-hearted venomous snake. I realized how miserable and beat down we both felt after trying to make our failing relationship work, and I think we were finally ready to just give up feeling like bruised bananas. Eventually, I moved back to Los Angeles, the city I consider my home and stomping grounds.

Distance played the role of Dr. Kevorkian and finally put us out of our misery. Luckily, our breakup was amicable (meaning we can still converse without wanting to murder each other) and I’ve spent the past year reflecting on a shitload of mistakes made and many lessons learned, but most importantly, catching up on a lot of casual fucking, phone sexting, intellectual stimulation and learning what really gets me wet.

What can I say, there’s nothing simple about making yourself available when you’re freshly single and vulnerable. It didn’t happen for me overnight, I just learned to enter the narcissistic world of dating with low expectations, so there’s no disappointment. After testing the choppy waters and realizing the number of douche bags and mental cases floating out there has risen, I’ve gotten pretty good at navigating my boat in the sea of shit. I now share with you my experiences and acquired wisdom.

So now you know who I am. Ask away, I can help.
_______________________________________________________

I’m a 29 years old female who is always working and it seems I never have time to go out and meet men in social environments. I wish I had more access to dick. I guess I could venture out to the bars, but I also don’t want to give off the wrong impression and have sex with someone I just met. Thinking I should go back to college, where it was easier to get laid. -Cockblocked By My Career

CBMC–
You don’t need to return to your alma mater to access more dick. Considering you’re always working, going back to school would just make you busier anyway.

Unless of course you’re just looking to “toot it and boot it.” Then you should hang out at bars near college campuses on Thursday nights, around 9:00 pm and wear a Kappa Alpha Theta hoodie, trust me.

But if age isn’t an issue and you’re willing to be sexually adventurous, invite random servicemen to fix things in your apartment or house. You’ll kill two birds with one stone, feeling good about plugging up the leak in your roof whilst potentially plugging up one of your orifices.

It just so happens a few weeks ago, a friend of mine had a sexual encounter with her handyman. He came by to inspect a broken window having done some other repairs and woodwork the previous week. After an exchange of mutual flirtation, she eventually was on her knees giving him an oral performance. Lucky for her, he was a 9 out of 10 (we girls have a personal rating system for erectile function and appearance). After spending almost an entire week watching him drill, hammer, caulk, bond and perform all these other verbs that somehow turned her on, she said it was totally worth it, and she didn’t skip a beat in her busy schedule.

But like you, she didn’t want to give off “the wrong impression” either. After blowing him, he really wanted to push her panties to the side, but she politely declined. He said the oral sex was pretty amazing, but was clearly interested in fucking her. To keep the momentum going, she spit on the tip of his sledgehammer and used nature’s salve as a lubricant to give him a helping hand. Naturally, this maneuver drove him wild. The businessman he is even tried negotiating with her about putting the tip inside ‘for just a minute’, but she’s no fool, she’d heard THAT before. So she told him that he couldn’t caulk her until the window was fixed and proceeded to help him squeeze out his gorilla glue.

She didn’t actually have sex with him because she was already filled with a cotton cork and remembered the words of a wise bachelor: “When a woman let’s you fuck her while she is menstruating, it shows that she has too much power.” Err, perhaps. But she didn’t want to demasculinize this guy either.

So naturally, she played it off like she was being a prude, not putting out on the first inspection…thus, not giving him the “wrong impression.” She can be pretty crafty herself.

Needless to say by the time the window was fixed, she was kind of over him and ended up masturbating instead.

And truth be told…she said he’s a professional art handler and was fixing the broken glass in a frame, but I think calling him the handyman just sounds more raunchy.

–N

Got a sex or relationship question for Naheed? Email her at naheed@hypervocal.com.

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