Right-Wing Radio Host Makes 'Cold Beer' New 'Wide Stance'

Warning: This is horrifying. Daniel von Bargen, known for playing Mr. Kruger on Seinfeld and Chief Grady in Super Troopers, survived a suicide attempt Monday morning and called 911 for help. Listen to the recording, acquired by TMZ.

Everyone’s making a big deal over this kid’s obscene gesture behind ESPN’s Doug Gottlieb. But because we believe children are pure and completely devoid of prurient impulses, we say there has to be an explanation! Here are five.

In honor of Mardi Gras, Kimmel asks his studio audience to predict whether video interviewees have ever flashed anyone. OK, funny three-minute segment. THEN SOMETHING HUGE HAPPENS. And it’s probably not what you expected …

Wasilla High School — that’s Sarah Palin’s alma mater, folks — recently installed this sculpture by local artists, only to cover it with tarps the same day. Why? Students are giggling over how much it looks like a lady’s periwinkle.

CM Punk gets real. Very real. He starts by refuting the accusations of steroid use, and adds that in his world, women are respected, period. He calls the performer-slash-intergender boxer a “sad, cowardly little boy.” Your move, CB.

Sometimes, as we saw with the McDonald’s #McDStories disaster, benign corporate tweets can can really backfire. Most of the time, however, they’re just plain weird. A Kurt Cobain tribute from … Carl’s Jr.?

On Tuesday, the Ohio Department of Transportation demolished the 84-year-old bridge that connected Ohio to West Virginia. And because blowing things up is cool as hell, always, we offer you this brief glimpse of implosion porn.

Things that count as harassment: racial slurs, unwanted touching. Things that aren’t harassment: your uncle uploading a Facebook photo of you that you don’t like. This isn’t hard, people. Tell that to Aaron Olson, who sued his uncle for doing just that.

Filmmaker Mark Cersosimo was walking through lower Manhattan when he stumbled upon a shop filled with antiques and curiosities, with a friendly man sitting outside. Turns out it wasn’t a shop at all, but the man’s home.

Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn is being held in a French prison for “complicity in pimping.” At the heart of the case: Did DSK know the naked women surrounding him indeed prostitutes paid for with corporate expense accounts?

During Japan’s Edo period, artists criticized the government’s xenophobia by drawing these elaborate scenes called “he-gassen,” or “fart battle,” depicting people farting on horseback, farting on cats, farting through tables, bottling farts as weaponry …

This is what you might call dedication. A nightclub in Brazil put on a shot-for-shot recreation of Madonna’s Super Bowl XLVI halftime show. Every move is here, shot for shot — even M.I.A.’s middle finger (at 7:57).

On Sunday night, Hollywood may bestow its highest honor on two important films and take a major step toward recognizing an emerging generation whose size and unity of belief is likely to dominate American society and culture for decades to come.

The media has written reams about the scrappy, high-scoring Knicks point guard in the last two weeks. We at the Bureau aren’t bandwagon types, so we were going to keep our mouths shut. That is, until we found a promising new angle on the story.

On Saturday, British radio station Jazz FM’s Funky Sensation show was replaced by something a little funkier: several minutes of moaning, grunting, screaming and (we can only assume) cheesy ’70s humpin’ music. Um, how exactly does that happen?

It started as a Republican Party rally. It ended as a Lemon Party scene. If ESPN’s “Chink in the Armor” headline was no accident, neither was this AccessNorthGa.com header, right? More fun with this one on HeadlinesThatSuck.com.

There’s a serial attacker coming after your kids. The death toll is now at four and rising, with two injured. It’s television, just like parents have always feared! Well, television plus gravity. Six Chicago kids in four months have been hurt or killed by falling TVs.

The Dane Cook–Louis C.K. Cold War thawed, but there’s some fresh outrage after someone posted a DVD director’s commentary of a scene starring both comedians. The director can’t recall Louis’ name. Dane, no prob. GET HIM, INTERNETS.